Friday, August 23, 2013

We're All Just Trying To Get By

It's been a bit more than a week now that I've been back on island after 3 weeks in the States on vacation. My time back on US soil was amazing; I saw my best friend (after 10 years of not seeing each other!) get married to his absolute perfect match, then I watched my little sister marry the man of her dreams. It was a fun, albeit emotional, couple of weeks. Every minute was special, but jeez I was ready to be back on my quiet, easy going island.

Before I left I had to say goodbye to a few more important people. This isht is getting old and I haven't even been here a year. Of course, in true SNP fashion, I have had my heart broken yet again...but would we expect anything else at this point? It's nearly comical. If it were happening to someone ELSE I'd laugh even more. I'm a bit tired of being the butt of that joke, though.

The hard part has been that I've been in a bit of a funk since I returned. Yes, you can still be down and live in the Caribbean. I suppose some of it can be chalked up to post-holiday blues, although honestly I was ready to get back to work and back into a routine. Part was missing the family and friends I'd just spent 3 weeks with, naturally. But a big part is that I'm just...lonely? Yeah, lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I'm surrounded with friends and great people, but it just gets old coming home to a metaphorically empty house day after day, year after year. The other day I came home and wanted nothing more than a hug. Some sort of touch, some human interaction that I wasn't being paid for. Cuddling on the couch. Something. Instead, I went for a lame ass run (it's been awhile, I'm off my game) and had a glass or two of wine. It didn't quite fulfill the need, but it at least deadened some of the feelings.

People who know me very well know that I have a hard time reaching out and asking for help. It's something I've worked on over the past few years. Being here on my own is forcing me to work some of these "episodes" out by myself, but it isn't easy. Then again, who said being an adult would be easy? Can't I just go back to blanket forts and red rover and dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets (which my mother NEVER fed us, btw) and giving a note to your crush that said "check yes or no if you like me"?

Youth is wasted on the damn young.

BUT! Tomorrow is another beautiful day in the Caribbean and I have much for which to be grateful. This too shall pass. Chin up, buttercup. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Blah blah blah.

I think I need a dive. And a hug.