Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Running Away

A few weeks back I was talking about my move with someone when they jokingly asked, "So what are you running away from?" Of course I laughed it off and assured them I wasn't running from anything.

I lied.

Here's my confession; I'm totally running away. From a lot of things.

Mainly I think I'm running away from all my failures. My numerous, inescapable, soul crushing, painfully obvious failures. All the would-haves and should-haves and didn't-dos. Because for all the successes I've had in my life, all I can still see are the things I screwed up.

College. Relationships. Marriage. Career paths. Friendships. One thing after another, the reminders of who I didn't become are enmeshed in this area. In no way am I saying I would change anything that's happened; I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today without them. I'm saying I want to be free of the weight the memories hold on me.

By moving away, really moving away, I feel like I'll be able to breathe. Maybe figure out who the hell I am and what my purpose here just might be.

It's a clean slate. Completely new people who know nothing about me or my past. New places to discover and make memories. I don't have to worry about running into my ex-husband and his girlfriend at the grocery store. I don't have to see the look of pity and disappointment on the faces of people who knew me growing up when they find out I didn't go on to become the Next Great Music Educator or whatever it was I was supposed to do according to everyone else. I will have a 3500+ mile buffer between myself and the beautiful families my friends are building, which just stokes the ache in my heart that in all reality the same is probably not in my cards. It's selfish, but I will be able to love and see them through the impersonality of Facebook and email. If I don't hold their adorable babies, it doesn't hurt me quite so much. I don't have to be the odd man out in all my family and friend outings, the only one without a partner and playing 3rd or 5th or 7th wheel, all the while putting up the front that I'm tooootally ok where I'm at and being perpetually single. Not driving past my dad's old neighborhood, or his old shop, or any of the 8 million places that can bring me to tears in 4 seconds flat just by being in their vicinity.

I'll happily admit that I'm running away from my horrendous dating and relationship life here. Now I'm not the world's most beautiful woman nor am I so scintillatingly clever that I should expect the gents to fall at my feet. For being an intelligent, somewhat humorous, decent enough looking woman who is not completely bat-shit crazy I have had the most awful experiences. My heart has been broken, smashed, stomped, and pierced way too many times. Have I made bad decisions? More than I can count. Do I have regrets? Of course. I'd like to think I'm better than I have been treated by men. That gets harder the more I get hurt. In Tortola, it's a completely new beginning.

I don't want to reinvent myself. Honestly I do like who I am, for the most part. But I'd be a giant liar if I said that part of my motive for this move wasn't to escape, to run like hell, from part of myself and my past.

Friday, March 23, 2012

I'm Supposed To Be Studying...

...but instead, I think I'll post.

In the span of a week at the end of February I moved into my new place, started school, changed my work schedule, TURNED 30, and took a weekend trip to Disneyland to celebrate said birthday. I am happy to report that everything is going swimmingly. Things could not be working out better at my new short-term home. Marian and her daughter are so easy going and fun to be around and they are amazing with Scully. In fact, Scully adores her new "second mom" Marian so much that she often chooses her lap over mine if we're all hanging out in the living room. Adorable. I am incredibly grateful for their kindness and hospitality, especially since 3 days of the week I'm gone for 13-14 hours. I've always believed that things happen for a reason and people come into our lives for a reason. God works in mysterious ways!

My original home for my cat didn't work out. I was stressed out beyond belief for about two days when my ex-husband saved the day and agreed to take her. His condition, however, was that he take her for good. :( I agreed as I know he will love her and take very, very good care of her but it still broke my heart. He's keeping me posted on her and will let me see her when I'm home on visits. I still feel like a turd. Then again, what if I'd taken her to Tortola and she was miserable? Cats are not quite as adaptable as dogs, and she's no spring chicken. Like I said, things happen for a reason and I'm so thankful for Charlie's kindness, but it's still hard. I miss her a lot.

I can't even explain how effing awesome my 30th Birthday Disneyland Extravaganza with Mom and Kate was. There are no words. Best birthday ever, hands down. And now I'm officially 30 and I officially feel old but oh well. I'm 30, I'm awesome, suck it. I can't wait for Kate's 30th in a few years and the ridiculousness that it will entail.

Esthetics school is a kick in the pants. Tomorrow marks the completion of 5 weeks and I'm a bit shocked at how fast it's flying by. My class is a very cool group of ladies (well, for the most part), my instructors are great, and the curriculum is MUCH more to my standards than it was at the other school. Luckily a lot of the material has been review or at the least familiar to me, being as I work in the spa and skin care industry, and I'm not having to put in too much outside study time as of yet. We're already putting together nearly complete facials (minus extractions...can't WAIT to start those!) and before I know it we'll be out on the floor taking guests. Crazy crazy times.

Even crazier is that I'm only a little over 6 months away from my move. HOLY CRAP. It hit me hard last week when 2 shows that I wanted to get tickets for were posted, but I realized that I would not be here for them! Weird. There is so much to do but I can't really do it yet. Grr. I need to get my permitting paperwork going (that will be in July), buy a plane ticket (once we decide what part of October I should be there), get my doctor appointments lined up for my health exams, get Scully going on her health exams and start working with the vet on how best to transport her and start her parasite meds, figure out exactly what I'm taking and/or shipping...the list goes on and on. Most of this will probably be done in the summer and the 2 months between when I finish school and when I move, but I'm a planner and want to do it noooow. Must. Be. Patient.

The bummer to working and schooling 80 bajillion hours a week - aside from having no social life (not that I had much of one to begin with) - has been completely missing out on the Lenten season. I didn't make Ash Wednesday service, I've not been able to go to church on Sunday in months, and I've only made one Wednesday Lenten service since I usually have private clients those nights. I haven't even watched Jesus Christ Superstar ONCE this season. Usually by this point I'm on viewing #12 or so. Disappointing. I will be able to make Good Friday service, which is my favorite service of the year, and of course Easter as the spa will be closed. Easter is like the Superbowl for our Christian church year. Then after church I'm looking forward to spending my last Easter, and major holiday, with my family on US soil for who knows how long. Shoot, it will be nice to have two days off in a row!

I think I've sufficiently procrastinated. In fact, I think I'm going to join Scully in bed and just get up a little earlier to study. Poor puppy is fighting an ear infection and looks like she needs some snuggling. Who am I to deny her?!